


I'm Unusually Hard To Hold Onto

by TazersKaner (msrogersstark)



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Trade Rumors, Vancouver Canucks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-03 19:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1755543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msrogersstark/pseuds/TazersKaner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Convinced me to please you<br/>Made me think that I need this too<br/>I’m trying to let you hear me as I am"</p><p>Ryan wants out of Vancouver and he doesn't care how it happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ryan

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a badass fic about Ryan getting out of Vancouver except it turned into angst. Maybe if he leaves, I'll actually write the badass fic... (who knows).  
> \--  
> Inspired by Love Song by Sara Bareilles which is where the title and summary come from.  
> \--  
> Let me know what you think please :)  
> \--  
> \--  
> Un beta'd

Ryan knows what they’re doing. He’s not stupid. He knows that he’s a star, not in a cocky prick way like Ovechkin but he’s been to the Olympics multiple times (the fact that he’s never won a metal does not apply here) and won the Selke trophy as well. They’re throwing everything at him, anything he could ever want. Money, Contracts, he doesn’t care about that stuff. He cares about a cup, which he doesn’t think he’ll ever win in Vancouver. He cares about being liked and the jury’s out on that one in Van City. He wants to be valued by the entire organization. He wants a good coach and a good GM who’ll send him where he wants to go. He knows that Vancouver is trying to get both of those but he doesn’t care. He’s done there.

 

Benning doesn’t seem to get it. Ryan leaves his office close to tears, not because he’s sad but because he’s so tired of saying the same thing over and over again and being _ignored_. He doesn’t want to be here. He wants to punch the wall and scream but he thinks better of it, knowing no one’s going to want him if he’s injured. Instead, he settles for slamming the door so hard that it rattles in its frame and walks with his head held high down the hallway.

 

The news of him pleading for a trade doesn’t sit well with the team. Ryan knows he’s hated at the moment. They think he’s selfish and maybe he is but it doesn’t matter anymore because a few more days and he’ll never have to see his name in Canucks blue and green ever again. It’s the summer and it has been for a while and he’s enjoying golfing but he’s shattered almost 10 tees by pretending that the ball was Tortorella’s face.  


Ryan goes home from golfing one night and lies in bed wondering if he’ll keep the number 17 when he leaves. It’s not priority for him but he likes the number. It’s one more piece of his Vancouver self that he’d rather not lose. The number, the beautiful city and Kevin.

 

Kevin is the one flaw in this plan. Kevin is his _best_ friend who also happens to be his lover. When he’s with Kevin everything is right. Except now, everything is wrong. Kevin won’t answer his phone, ignores Ryan’s texts and talks only to Alex if they’re in a group conversation. Ryan _hates_ this, hates that he’s doing this to Kevin. It’s all his fault and he knows it but he doesn’t know if Kevin is enough to keep him in Vancouver.

 

“Long distance relationships work. Look at Danny and Claude or Sharp and Burish!” Ryan tells Kevin one night after he got his head out of his ass and went to see Kevin in person. (It still took about 20 minutes of Ryan yelling through the door before he was actually let inside).

Kevin looks up from the book he’s reading, being a jerk and almost completely ignoring Ryan. “Why can’t you just stay?”

“Why can’t you be happy for me?” He yells before counting to 10 and taking a deep breath.

Kevin stands up, closing his book and walking towards Ryan. “Because I hate that you have made it so obvious that you don’t want to be here.”

“What has that got to do with us?” Ryan protests, taking a step back from Kevin.

Kevin crosses his arms and steps so that he’s right in front of Ryan. Kevin isn’t _that_ tall but he’s big and he uses it on Ryan so that he feels small and cornered in this situation.

“Since when do you ever think of us?” Kevin snarls and shoves Ryan out the door before closing the door in his face.

 

Waiting is the hardest thing for Ryan to do. When he has to wait for anything, he worries about it and goes crazy over it. When he was waiting for Kevin to come over for their first (official) date, he accidently bit off all of his nails.  Now, he’s fighting with Kevin and waiting for the Canucks to get their shit together so that he can pack his bags and leave. He’s torn, that’s the problem. He knows he’s being selfish but he wants what he wants. He’s always been assertive. He’s just never had to keep someone else in mind before.

 

Ryan doesn’t sleep after the trade deadline comes and goes without him being shipped away. Apparently it was close, he was going to Pittsburgh but then it didn’t happen. He lies awake, tears streaming down his face, tasting the tang of salt in his mouth, imagining all of the reasons that other teams wouldn’t want him. He makes a list and then loses track so he makes it again. Eventually, he gets so caught inside his head that he drinks until he’s sick and passes out on the couch. Kevin comes over, evidently worried about him and cleans him up before falling asleep next to him.

 

The night after he fights with Benning and Kevin (yes, he went back and was told through the door that Kevin didn’t want to see him) he does the same. The only difference is, when he wakes up, he’s alone.


	2. I'm Gonna Have To Learn To Let You Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He feels trapped in a situation he can't control and he feels wrong for trying to hold Ryan back from what Ryan evidently wants. Most of all, he feels hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Felt like I had to update this since "that thing we won't mention" happened yesterday. I'm happy for Kes but....  
> \--  
> Chapter Title: Someday When I Stop Loving You- Carrie Underwood  
> \--  
> Please let me know what you thought.   
> \--  
> Kevin POV

Kevin wants to punch the wall every time his Score app updates him about Ryan's trade status. He feels trapped in a situation he can't control and he feels wrong for trying to hold Ryan back from what Ryan evidently wants. Most of all, he feels hurt. Ryan made it so unbelievably clear that he wanted to get out of Vancouver before the trade deadline, that Kevin felt so unloved. He was bitter around Ryan and the rest of his family, earning him strange looks from his teammates. 

 

Ryan comes by one night, knocks on the door, sobs against it, wanting Kevin to open the door, to hold him. Kevin has his back pressed up against the door, fighting with the instinct to open the door. He wants to see Ryan, he really does, but he said the wrong thing before and he won't do it again. He lets Ryan scream himself horse at his front door, praying it doesn't wake his neighbours. His clock reads 11:30pm and he knows Ryan is tired, they all are. The agony of the season hasn't quite worn off yet. 

 

Soon, the sobs get quiet and the fist stops pounding on the door. Instead, he hears Ryan's horse voice through the door, in the ringing silence. 

" _Kev._ "

Kevin takes a deep breath and forces the words past his mouth, "I don't want to see you, Ryan." 

He hears a thump against the door and then footsteps and then finally, silence. 

 

Sitting on his living room couch, he thinks about what he knows about Ryan. He knows, undoubtedly, he can feel it in his gut that Ryan is drinking himself into a state. He wants to go to Ryan, pry the bottle from his fists and hold him, kiss him better. He won't do it though. It's his terrible stubborn streak, as well as the fact that he doesn't want to get hurt, that stops Kevin from giving in to what he knows Ryan needs. Slowly, he gets to his feet and looks at the door.It had been unlocked the entire time. Ryan could have come in if he'd stopped panicking, stopped doubting that Kevin loved him. But he hadn't. Kevin locks it and stares at it for longer than he needs to before finally going to bed. 

 

Kevin hadn't always been in love with Ryan. They'd been friends first, then one night, everything had changed. 

Ryan had come over to Kevin's place, nervous and pulling at the collar on his shirt. They'd sprawled out on the couch, Ryan being more touchy-feely than ever before. Ryan drank too much, turning soft and vulnerable. The truth, about his entire career, life, love, everything had fallen from his lips. He hadn't said that he loved Kevin, far from it. But Kevin felt like he finally knew Ryan and saw how beautiful he truly is. 

 

When the trade rumours start up, Ryan doesn't go quiet. Kevin has known Ryan for a long time, and he knows that Ryan is nothing if not assertive. Rowdy and strong headed as always, Ryan had made it known that he wanted nothing to do with Torts or the rest of the organization. 

 

To say it was awkward would be an understatement. Their teammates didn't take it well, Kevin didn't blame them. He'd promised Ryan that he'd be nothing but supportive but it's hard to stay strong to his boyfriend, when his team appears to treat Ryan like an enemy already. Kevin had done his best to remain loyal but he didn't like that Ryan seemed to treat Vancouver and the entire organization with contempt, not remembering all the things they'd done for him. 

 

He couldn't blame Ryan for being frustrated without a cup. They all were. But the ones that were still there, kept quiet. They had hope. Kevin could tell that Ryan didn't. 

 

Kevin knew it was coming, knew it was inevitable that Ryan would be leaving soon. Still, he couldn't have prepared himself for when it actually happened. 


	3. Anaheim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sort of in deep shit." Ryan sighs and looks up at Teemu. "You've probably heard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I brought Teemu in for no real reason except that I wanted to. The story will now be more than 3 chapters.   
> Unbeta'd and written on an ipod during a plane ride.

Ryan's plane lands in Anahiem just as the sun is going down. It's a blur going through customs, easier since he's in the States, where he's from. But then he's out on the street and he suddenly feels like someone swept the world out from under him. It's like his first time away from home all over again. No parents, no 'my-own-bed', nothing. Except this time it's no Kevin, no Alex, no Eddie.

He manages to hail a cab to the hotel that is written in an email on his phone. It's summer so no one from the team is in Anahiem, except one person. Ryan's only met him a few times, the Olympics was where he knew him best. Still, Ryan googled the address of his restaurant and shows up without knowing what to say.

Teemu's restaurant is exactly how Ryan imagined the restaurant to be. It's fancy and extremely expensive but it still has the smallest touch of the Teemu Selanne he'd come to know.  
When he got to the door, he asked the lovely hostess to see the owner. She frowned at him, and Ryan sighed. Even if he played for her national team, hockey wasn't as big in Anaheim as in Van city. She asked for his name, which he gave, and told him to wait.

She came back a few minutes later, stating that Mr. Selanne would be with him in a few minutes. She showed Ryan to a table near the back of the restaurant, which was emptier than the terrace and brought him a cola.

Ryan scanned the menu, figuring that he should probably order something. The food all looked good. He ended up just ordering a simple steak and a salad. Teemu took a seat across from him, just as the waitress finished taking the menu from his hands.

"Ryan Kesler." Teemu says, lowering himself down in the wooden seat and crossing his arms over his chest.  
Ryan smiles nervously and sips his Coke.  
"What can I do for you?" Teemu presses.  
"I'm sort of in deep shit." Ryan sighs and looks up at Teemu. "You've probably heard."  
"Well I've heard the news that you're playing here next year, so welcome. But I sense that something else is bugging you."  
Ryan curses himself for going to see someone who knows more about Ryan than Ryan does. He lets Teemu work the info out of him.  
"I didn't exactly think this through." He trials off, not quite releasing the details.  
"Obviously."  
Ryan bites his lip. "I was just tired of losing."  
Teemu nods.  
"And then the rumours were leaked, which wasn't my fault."  
"That is correct."  
"And then everyone started hating me and saying I wasn't deserving and that I was terrible."  
Ryan was babbling now and he wasn't about to stop. "But I needed out, between Torts and Gillis, everything was terrible. They didn't treat me well."  
Teemu reached out, settling his hand on Ryan's and removing the fork that was now clutched in his hand.  
"So then, I started to go public with it. And my own teammates and boyfriend turned against me."

Teemu sighed and looked Ryan up and down. The poor kid was getting himself so worked up.  
"Ryan, I'm going to be honest with you." He stated, watching Ryan's hands clench and unclench. "You made a mistake. People turn on you, it's what happens."  
"Kevin isn't people." Ryan mumbled, not meeting Teemu's eyes.  
"Kevin..." Teemu began before piecing the puzzle together. "Bieksa? Your boyfriend is Kevin Bieksa?"  
Ryan deflated.  
"Wait," Teemu defended. "It's ok. I just had to get that straight. Pun not intended."  
Ryan had told him he was gay at the Olympics after being caught staring at one of the American hockey players outside of the rink. He just hadn't known that Kevin was his guy. That was ok.  
"He won't talk to me. He told me he didn't want to see me anymore." Ryan explained, waving his hands around.  
"Let me guess," Teemu interrupted. "You are generally the one doing the dumping, not being the one dumped."  
Ryan felt that was very teenager of Teemu. "He didn't dump me. We're still together."  
Teemu leaned back in his chair taking a deep breath. "If not, then call him."  
Ryan sucked in a breath. "I deleted his number from my phone."  
"You're telling me you don't have it memorized? What kind of boyfriend are you?" Teemu asked with a wink.  
"This is supposed to be helping." Ryan huffed but a small smile crept up on his face.  
"It is."  
Ryan looked away and finished the last bit of his food.  
"Got a hotel?" Teemu asked eventually.  
"They booked me something." Ryan shrugged. "Just outside of downtown, near to the rink."  
"We've got a championship caliber team here. You'll help a lot, I'm sure of it."  
"That's why I'm here." Ryan replied, pulling out his card and setting it on top of the bill.  
Teemu raised an eyebrow at him. Ryan reached out for the card gingerly, confused.  
"You're not paying." Teemu stated, taking the bill out from Ryan's card and tore it up.  
Ryan thanked him softly, suddenly feeling self conscious. Teemu slipped him a piece of paper.  
"Call if you need anything else." He instructed, standing up as Ryan did the same.  
Ryan left a couple of bills to tip the waitress and walked with Teemu towards the exit.  
"I know it's cliché." Teemu began, "but you're going to be ok."  
Ryan nodded stiffly and accepted the hug that Teemu reached out to give.  
"And call that boy toy of yours."

 

When Ryan got back to the hotel, all he wanted to do was sleep. He lay down on the crips hotel sheets. He'd never liked sleeping in hotels alone, wanting to share the stark covers and itchy recliners with Kevin. He dialled Kevin's number, from his memory, and bit his lip, waiting.  
It rang 5 times before Kevin picked up and the contempt in his voice was obvious.  
"Yes?"  
"It's Ryan."  
"I know."  
Ryan paused.  
"I'm not sure if time works differently over there in winner's land but some of us losers are trying to sleep." Kevin spoke bitterly into the silence.  
"Teemu told me to call."  
"Teemu as in Selanne?" Kevin asked, "since when do you listen to him."  
"Since you started your silent treatment. And since I ended up here."  
"Don't make it sound like you just ended up there, Ryan Kesler. This is what you wanted. And if you don't now, then that's too fucking bad because you don't just get to waltz back in here and take back your role. Some of us actually work hard around here."  
"Kev..."  
"No. Don't tell me that you don't like it there. Don't even- don't even fucking dare." Kevin raised his voice. "Tell it to your future Stanley Cup ring. Don't complain to me."  
Ryan began to protest.  
"So, Kesler," Kevin continued coldly, "go run to Selanne and ask him what to do next. Because I'm sure as he'll not going to help you."  
"But-"  
The dial tone rang into his ear, sharp line Kevin's last words and he chucked his phone angrily across the room. He fell asleep, tears mixed with rage burning behind his eye lids, still fully clothed.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on Tumblr too :) (( patrickkanethesecond.tumblr.com ))  
> Next chapter will be Kevin's perspective.


End file.
